National Shite Day

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Pulling the ice axe from my leg, I staggered on
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Spindrift stinging my remaining eye
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I finally managed to reach the station
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Only to find that the bus replacement service had broken down
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After wondering to myself whether or not it should
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Actually be called a train replacement service
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I walked out onto the concourse
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And noticed the giant screen seemed to have been tampered with
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Probably by a junior employee.
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Disgruntled commuters were being regaled with some dismal TVM
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Involving a tug-of-love custody battle;
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Stockard Channing held sway.
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Down in the High Street somebody careered out of Boots
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Without due care or attention
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I suggest that they learn some pedestrian etiquette
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I.e. sidle out of the store gingerly - embrace the margin.
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Fat kids with sausage rolls, poor sods conducting polls.
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There's a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets.
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I try to put everything into perspective,
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Set it against the scale of human suffering
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And I thought of the Mugabe government
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And the children of the Calcutta railways
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This works for a while but then I encounter Primark FM
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Overhead a rainbow appears - in black and white.
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Shite Day,    I guess this must be National Shite Day
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This surely must be National Shite Day
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Don't tell me it's National Shite Day.
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Float,       float on.   Float,       float on
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Barry          Herpes.
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I got a letter from Stringy Bob
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"Still on suicide watch, screws not happy.
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Spotted a Marsh Fritillary during Association
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Was roundly ignored; what news you?"
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I felt sorry for him
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He'd only been locked up for public nuisance offences
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One of which saw him beachcombing the Dee Estuary
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Found a dead wading bird, took it home, parcelled it up
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And sent it off to the rubber-faced irritant Phil Cool
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With a note inside which read: "Is this your Sanderling?"
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Another time saw him answering an advert in the music press
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"Keyboard player required - Doors, Floyd, etc.
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Must be committed; no time wasters" - you can guess the rest.
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I'd always imagined he would simply wander off some day into the hills
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To be found months later, his carcass stripped by homeless dogs
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His exposed skull a perch for the quartering crow
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I folded away the letter and put it in my inside pocket
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All of a sudden I felt brushed by the wings of something dark
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May the Lord have mercy on Stringy Bob.
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Shite Day,   I do believe it's National Shite Day
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It all points to National Shite Day
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Someone's declared it National Shite Day.
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Shite Day,   my birthday on National Shite Day
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No bog roll, it's National Shite Day
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Cue drum roll, it's National Shite Day.