Christmas Is Pain

           C                 F          C
There's a turkey a gobblin' out in the yard
                                      F           G
Now he's gutted and stuffed and he's basted and charred
          F         C             F          Am              G
And your father is whistlin' and washin' the blood down the drain
              C
Christmas is pain

[Verse 2]
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There's a crowd on the hillside with hatchets and saws
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With a keen disregard for the forestry laws
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And they happily hum while the stumps slowly bleed in the rain
              C
Christmas is pain

[Verse 3]
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And the stockings are hung by the chimney with care
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As if anyone in their right mind would hang 'em there
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And some tired old crooner is croakin' out carols again
              C
Christmas is pain

[Verse 4]
         C                      F       C
And you wait for an hour to see Santa Claus
                                  F           G
And he's covered with velveteen, bourbon and gauze
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And he pinches your mother and she can't find the words to explain
              C
Christmas is pain

[Verse 5]
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And the hungry are hungering on Hunger Street
                      F                  G
While the people on Plenty Street . . . eat
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And you punctured the roof of your mouth on a sharp candy cane
              C
Christmas is pain

[Verse 6]
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And all the good cheer is just Madison Ave..news
                                        F         G
And all the best Christmas songs were written by Jews
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And the eight tiny reindeer have left an embarrassing stain
              C
Christmas is pain

[Verse 7]
        C                                 F      C
And two-thirds of the world doesn't give half a damn
                                   F           G
And the rest are all bloated on marshmallowed yams
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And if Jesus was here, he'd be sent to the back of the train
              C
Christmas is pain

[Verse 8]
          C                    F           C
And they double the price of whatever you need
                                  F         G
Singin', "I pledge allegiance to corporate greed"
            F            C               F                   Am         G
And you're forced to spend several hours conversing with your old Aunt Lorraine
        G
who's insane
        G
with a brain on a plane to Spain
         G
where the main stays rainly in the flat terrain
            C
Christmas is pain